I have 2 dozen chocolate chunk cookies in a lovely container and a chicken pie sitting in my freezer. I made them the weekend before last with the intention of dropping them off to my neighbour who is going through a very difficult time right now and would probably appreciate them. But they are still here, because, well, I think I just didn’t have enough courage to go knock on her door. Terrified is probably a better word. Terrified that my efforts at loving her family will be laughed at, or rejected. And yet, this is what I asked God for… practice learning to love people.
So the cookies are too stale to give anyone now, but I’ve moved on in my ambitious quest to learn how to be hospitable. Last Saturday I had some people over for dinner, and I think it went fairly well. After telling a number of different people “we’d love to have your family over for dinner!” and hearing “we’re very busy” over and over, one family finally said “we’re busy. But we could make it work”. So I went with that. All day I practiced things to talk about, and practiced breathing deeply, and we had a completely wonderful time except for the fact that I completely forgot to offer coffee and tea after dinner, and have been beating myself up about that since then. Now I am still afraid to try the cycle over again and ask around to see who might be able to come but I have had one more success than failure. I’m getting excited about the warmer weather because that means we might be able to use our backyard space and invite somewhat large families over that simply can’t be accommodated around my little dining room table!
I thought I was ready for a bigger step, but it turns out I am freaking out just a little bit.
I decided a great way to practice hospitality would be to host a party – one of those selling-something parties where all I do is make some food and clean and people have a reason to come more than my witty banter (which is frankly rare). I was talked into it by two different friends who really wanted to come to something like this, so I took the plunge. My Usborne Book Party is tomorrow night. I really wish I could stop worrying so much about it! Yes it’s very small and the people who previously committed to coming are now phoning to cancel. I’m just hoping I can make it through this, and remember the things I’m supposed to about offering food and drinks and making people feel comfortable in my home!
This is another little thing about hospitality I’m learning – having a spotless house and the best food doesn’t necessarily make people very comfortable at all. Being real does.
My daughter’s Kindergarten Prep class started meeting two months ago, and the first day I dressed her in her best, and put on what I would normally wear on a Sunday. I wore makeup, I straightened my hair, I wore good shoes. And not one person there talked to me. As I looked around the other moms were mostly in sweats and not one of them wore makeup. Most of them were considerably older than me, and they all looked like they knew so much more than me. I didn’t blame them for moving on quickly after I said hello. The next week I wore my normal day clothes (I still wore makeup, but only because I feel more nervous without it) and suddenly everyone was friendly!
I guess I’m guilty of this too. My friends with immaculate houses I would never in a million years invite to mine. I’m sure they would find it a disgrace. And I don’t feel comfortable there – like anything I do is going to disorder their perfect world.
I’m writing this post mostly to myself so that when I come and look back a year from now I can laugh at how I used to struggle so much with this. With the pride that is thinking too little of myself with the fear of others judgment of my life with the cluelessness I feel in loving others well. I pray that as I push myself through this mess something on the otherside will give glory to God. Maybe helping others to be comfortable here means being clean, and putting others first but more importantly being real. Maybe hospitality is more about the effort than the outcome. Maybe I’ll make it through Wednesday night!
