What I want and what I need...

So this is what I did this afternoon. After a little shopping trip yesterday to Costco, and around the mall looking for shoes with Jason and the kids (which was successful in the sense that I bought Simon's fall wardrobe on sale, even though Jason did not find the shoes he loved...) I was convinced once again that I NEEDED something. I needed this book. A wipe clean book for Miranda to practice her letters. She positively adores the two little workbooks she has like this, and wants to do them constantly. Costco had this book together with a wipe-clean numbers (one of Miranda's other favourite things)and another set teaching early literacy and numeracy through drawing animals and 'things that go'. So by the end of the day, this little book that I had seen in the early morning became my obsession. I needed her to have it. This afternoon, I took Simon for a walk all the way to Costco - and two hours later we arived home. It was swelteringly hot out there, not at all pleasant but I was on a mission. Whilst there, of course I saw more and more things that I 'needed'. I was beginning to drive myself crazy. I am so blessed to have a husband who manages finances so well, and models restrained spending and so very gently reminds me that what it is I think I NEED is only something I want.
Of course it is.
Left to my own devises I would be very dangerous. But I'm learning. I really would love to learn more how to be satisfied with just what I have, and stop deciding that everything I see that I could possibly imagine a use for is something I need. I have everything I could POSSIBLY need. And when it comes to books - well practically everything is available in the library anyway.
Which reminds me of a book that I saw there that I'm almost afraid to read. It's called the Plain Reader, I believe. A compilation of essays by Mennonites and Amish on living simply. Probably a lot of lessons there I could learn.

When I got home with the book Miranda was excited to open it, and then quickly frustrated. I realized after all this...I just really needed to feel like I was doing something positive for my child, doing something to help her grow and learn, something I could control that would give her a better outcome, so I could feel like not a crappy mom.

Maybe what I need is to learn to let go of all these fleeting images of who it is I'm supposed to be.

Zweiback and Good Friends

So yesterday my friend Erika came to bake with me for the day - sort of a spontanious pie-making adventure that spun out into two raspberry rhubarb, two apple 4 dozen zweiback and two loaves of lemon poppy seed pound cake. :) And I just have to say that I am so beyond thankful for little gifts in my life like friends. Erika is one of the FEW people in my life that I don't feel scared talking to, who I don't have to dress up for or put makeup on before I go to mee them, and one of the few people who I am not afraid to disagree with, have spiritual conversations and laugh with. Oh, and the zweiback turned out perfectly too.

Here is the recipe

INGREDIENTS
1 (.25 ounce) package active dry yeast
1 teaspoon sugar
1/2 cup warm water (110 degrees F to 115 degrees F)
6 cups all-purpose flour, divided
1 tablespoon salt
3/4 cup shortening
2 cups scalded milk, cooked

DIRECTIONS
Scald milk, the bring to room temperature. Dissolve yeast and sugar in water; set aside. In a large mixing bowl, combine 3 cups flour, salt, shortening, milk and yeast mixture. Beat well. Add enough of the remaining flour to form a soft dough. Turn out onto a lightly floured surface; knead until smooth and elastic about 6-8 minutes. Dough should be soft. Place dough in a lightly greased bowl; cover and allow to rise in a warm place until doubled, about 1 hour. Punch dough down and divide into four pieces. Divide three of the pieces into eight pieces each; shape into smooth balls and place on greased baking sheets. Divide remaining dough into 24 balls. Press 1 small ball atop each larger ball and poke through with your finger to make a little dimple. Buttered hands helps with this.

Cover and let rise until doubled, about 45 minutes.

Bake at 375 degrees F for 30 minutes or until golden.

And I just want to finish out with something that I found on Erika's blog that struck me as a perfect expression of what is in my heart, and a reason why I am grateful to walk with godly friends who spur me to this hunger for TRUE bread even more :

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire, O God, the Triune God. I want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy Glory, I pray Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.

-A.W. Tozer

Libraries and the Discipline of Confession

Last night was one of those nights where Jason walks in the door and I had him over a screaming baby before he even has his shoes off, to go lock myself in the kitchen to finish making dinner while Miranda sings louder so mommy will hear. So my sweet kind husband suggested I take a walk after dinner while he tidied the kitchen and tried to entertain the kids. So I did. I went to the library.
I get out for a walk like that about once a week and it's so good for me - not just the little bit of exercise I get when I don't have to walk at a three year olds pace - it's good to remember what silence feels like and what my own thoughts sound like, and well, to not have to be constantly looking around me to make sure everyone is else around me is safe and happy and changed and well fed.
So I got to the library, and signed out a stack of books for Miranda, and a few magazines for myself (I still have a book or two on the go from the last trip to the library) and took care of the business that brough me there in the first place(I had a $0.30 fine on my card this time) and afterwards sat and soaked in the silence.
I always feel clean and good after paying off library fines. It really is something I try and keep on top of, but of course with all the little details in life to remember it is often something that slips through. It was a good feeling to know I was 'right' with the library system again. I always feel as though the librarians are judging me, that I have to make a good excuse for why my book was a day and a half late or blame it on someone else. Once or twice I've lied. I've stopped doing that.
This reminds me of something God has been trying to teach me lately - and that is the discipline of confession. It was a whole week ago ( LAST time I was at the library) that I remembered sitting and praying and confessing stuff to God. (And there is a LOT Of stuff). Why is it that I am so stressed about being in right relationship to the LIBRARY and am content to go weeks between sitting down and having a big confession period with God. It should be an every day thing. It should be a constant thing. I'm working on it. It is a debt I never could pay.

Confession is hard. I didn't grow up Catholic so it isn't something I'm used to. Sins are private, God forgives...it's so much easier to just not bring them to mind. But then of course, we don't see ourselves rightly. We begin to see ourselves more highly than we ought, and take for granted the grace of our Saviour.

So I'm going to try and do better at this.
I've got my library 'due back september 14th' slip beside my bed to remind me of my need to spend time in confession before God.

If only my house were as quiet as the library...

Blog Makeover

So thank you to the fabulous Zoe Pearn I now have a blog Makeover. :)Isn't it pretty? I really have no idea what I'm doing with HTML but it's nice that someone else could tell me what I was doing so I too can have a pretty blog! Zoe's customizable blogwear is available at my fav digital scrapbooking shoppe www.sweetshoppedesigns.com if you want to check it out for yourselves. :)

Miranda's turning 3

So Miranda's turning three on Sunday, and I totally can't believe it. In some ways it seems like my oldest daughter has ALWAYS been a part of my life, and I don't even remember what life was like before she could talk (and talk...and talk...).

I made this page about all the things she could do while she was still two. Yeah, I'm rediculously proud of her. :) This page makes me happy.

Just a reminder

So I just recieved a little letter in the mail a few days ago from the directors at Camp listing all the amazing things God is doing there - even miraculous things which not being up there it is hard to believe happened. And I heard that someone I know who hasn't been to camp in a while is going back up again, someone I know camp will be blessed to have and it struck me again - that is God's place. He is taking care of it, and he knows every soul that will be there every week and He will make that place run. I often feel guilty for not being able to give and do and pour myself out for all that happens there. But it is a great reminder to me that - *I* am not needed there. Tailor once told me that leaving camp should be as smooth as pulling one's hand out of a bucket of water. The water that is left fills the space so perfectly that a hole is never noticed. If it is not this way, we are too important to camp and not letting God be in charge. If I find myself up there again, it will be because God wants to share with me what He is doing, and let me have the blessing of seeing His work. Camp doesn't need me. It's a freeing though. But I still miss it like crazy. I guess, while camp has filled the hole that I left, nothing has quite filled the hole that the absense of that place and that work has left in me. What can I say? Camp gets into ones blood....

wide awake and full of wonder

i guess you could say, if i had a life goal beyond the simple manifesto of 'loving God' and 'loving others' it would be to keep myself wide awake and full of wonder. i think most of us would choose being wide awake over being half asleep and indifferent - but it is a hard thing to fight for. being wide awake in life - in 'constantly total amazment' as Shanely puts it takes hard work, and risks getting hurt and well - it fights against selfishness, which is why i need to be vigilant in this task.

so this is why i have begun a blog. when I used to be a compulsive journaller, i was very much more aware of my every day events, the things God is teaching me (whether or not I am successfully learning them or not...) all that is wonderful and good and the state of my soul. So we'll see how this goes. :) If you are joining me, and reading along -welcome. Some posts will be a personal experiement in staying wide awake. Some will be about my struggle to live life dispite fear, some about my personal goal to learn to love others. Some will be about my kids, recipies, frivelous things, book reviews, the weather.

thanks for reading this far.

and may you be wide awake and full of wonder also!