So this is what I did this afternoon. After a little shopping trip yesterday to Costco, and around the mall looking for shoes with Jason and the kids (which was successful in the sense that I bought Simon's fall wardrobe on sale, even though Jason did not find the shoes he loved...) I was convinced once again that I NEEDED something. I needed this book. A wipe clean book for Miranda to practice her letters. She positively adores the two little workbooks she has like this, and wants to do them constantly. Costco had this book together with a wipe-clean numbers (one of Miranda's other favourite things)and another set teaching early literacy and numeracy through drawing animals and 'things that go'. So by the end of the day, this little book that I had seen in the early morning became my obsession. I needed her to have it. This afternoon, I took Simon for a walk all the way to Costco - and two hours later we arived home. It was swelteringly hot out there, not at all pleasant but I was on a mission. Whilst there, of course I saw more and more things that I 'needed'. I was beginning to drive myself crazy. I am so blessed to have a husband who manages finances so well, and models restrained spending and so very gently reminds me that what it is I think I NEED is only something I want.
Of course it is.
Left to my own devises I would be very dangerous. But I'm learning. I really would love to learn more how to be satisfied with just what I have, and stop deciding that everything I see that I could possibly imagine a use for is something I need. I have everything I could POSSIBLY need. And when it comes to books - well practically everything is available in the library anyway.
Which reminds me of a book that I saw there that I'm almost afraid to read. It's called the Plain Reader, I believe. A compilation of essays by Mennonites and Amish on living simply. Probably a lot of lessons there I could learn.
When I got home with the book Miranda was excited to open it, and then quickly frustrated. I realized after all this...I just really needed to feel like I was doing something positive for my child, doing something to help her grow and learn, something I could control that would give her a better outcome, so I could feel like not a crappy mom.
Maybe what I need is to learn to let go of all these fleeting images of who it is I'm supposed to be.
1 comment:
This is one of those wonderful times where what you want is what you need. You want to be a wonderful mom to Miranda and Simon. You want to train them and raise them to be world changers. And you need to be that person too. I'm in the same boat. Absolutely wanting to be the perfect mom and not wanting a "boring in God's eyes" life (I loved that picture).
The problem is then I feel the pressure to "do it". You know as well as I do that being a mom does take a whole lot of effort on our parts in the practical, tangible, temporal realm. But oh praise the Lord that it isn't all up to us.
It is Him who wills and works in us for His good pleasure. It is He who completes the work He began in us and our children.
When the desires of our hearts are in line with His, and wanting to be "that kind of mom" is certainly what He wants for us, then we can be still and know that He is God and will do it through us.
I know you know all this too. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the battle.
Nice to see you on your blog. Hope you don't mind that I stopped by. You are a beautiful writer. Thanks for sharing.
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