Libraries and the Discipline of Confession

Last night was one of those nights where Jason walks in the door and I had him over a screaming baby before he even has his shoes off, to go lock myself in the kitchen to finish making dinner while Miranda sings louder so mommy will hear. So my sweet kind husband suggested I take a walk after dinner while he tidied the kitchen and tried to entertain the kids. So I did. I went to the library.
I get out for a walk like that about once a week and it's so good for me - not just the little bit of exercise I get when I don't have to walk at a three year olds pace - it's good to remember what silence feels like and what my own thoughts sound like, and well, to not have to be constantly looking around me to make sure everyone is else around me is safe and happy and changed and well fed.
So I got to the library, and signed out a stack of books for Miranda, and a few magazines for myself (I still have a book or two on the go from the last trip to the library) and took care of the business that brough me there in the first place(I had a $0.30 fine on my card this time) and afterwards sat and soaked in the silence.
I always feel clean and good after paying off library fines. It really is something I try and keep on top of, but of course with all the little details in life to remember it is often something that slips through. It was a good feeling to know I was 'right' with the library system again. I always feel as though the librarians are judging me, that I have to make a good excuse for why my book was a day and a half late or blame it on someone else. Once or twice I've lied. I've stopped doing that.
This reminds me of something God has been trying to teach me lately - and that is the discipline of confession. It was a whole week ago ( LAST time I was at the library) that I remembered sitting and praying and confessing stuff to God. (And there is a LOT Of stuff). Why is it that I am so stressed about being in right relationship to the LIBRARY and am content to go weeks between sitting down and having a big confession period with God. It should be an every day thing. It should be a constant thing. I'm working on it. It is a debt I never could pay.

Confession is hard. I didn't grow up Catholic so it isn't something I'm used to. Sins are private, God forgives...it's so much easier to just not bring them to mind. But then of course, we don't see ourselves rightly. We begin to see ourselves more highly than we ought, and take for granted the grace of our Saviour.

So I'm going to try and do better at this.
I've got my library 'due back september 14th' slip beside my bed to remind me of my need to spend time in confession before God.

If only my house were as quiet as the library...