Boredom

I had a though through my head today, as I was lying on the couch, with both my children watching an old episode of "Blues Clues" (a current favourite, and one of a handful of preschool shows I can stomach for any length of time) when I looked up to the ceiling, around in my basement and though - this is not a life of war, this is not a life of focus, this is not a life of fullness and joy - it is a life of getting lazy on the couch. And I was struck with shame - that if God was with me He must be entirely bored by my life.
I remember times in my life when I felt I was doing something of worth and purpose. It's something that fills me with fire and passion. Doing ministry. Serving and loving People. Teaching God's Word. Learning. It's just so hard to see a life of purpose in the place I am now. It's next to impossible on a daily basis to see how any thing I am doing is adding to the beauty of God's Kingdom and bringing God glory.

Today Miranda and I made castles from blocks, put on a puppet show, made several pieces of mixed media 'art', practiced letters and numbers, played hide and seek, made lunch together, cleaned up together... Simon and I rolled a ball and climbed up the stairs a lot. These are such small pieces. And usually I am bored by them - not fired up by them. I know that creating a loving, secure place for my children to find out who they are, and who God is - to play, create, be silly and also learn is my job right now. It is just hard to see how it matters. And I know there are moms out there are who are disciplined, organized, have clean houses and whos children eat vegetables. It's just so very hard to see how to get there from here.

I guess it's good that God sees my life as a whole, and this is only a small chapter of it. I felt disappointing to God today.
Psalm 39:5
You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath.

I pray that when God sees my life as a whole he is not bored by it, but is proud. I pray that I keep in my mind that I get one shot at this life, and I better make it matter.