Getting Over Myself

The past few weeks I have felt quite happy that my son - now 10 months - says pretty much only one word: Mom. His first word was 'danda, refering to his sister, and then came Dad. Once he figured out how to say 'Mom', that was it. I hear him babble "mumumumum" all through the day. I just thought he loved me a lot. :) Lately, I have come to a new conclusion.
Yesterday, Simon said Mom.....

- when he saw me bring him his bottle
- when I put some cheerios in front of him
- when I put him in his high chair for lunch
- when he was trying to steal his sisters cookie

My parents watched him on tuesday night when I went to bible study, and apparently he said "Mom" the whole time, but mostly when they were feeding him.
I think in his little brain Mom=Food!
This just about broke my heart. I suppose that's not an unnatural association to have. It makes me feel all the more guilt for not being able to nurse him. Now that I have been listenig for it, Simon says "Mom" when he is hungry only. Not when we're playing, not when we're cuddling. This has lead me to think about something Pastor Mike said in his sermon on Sunday about just 'getting over yourself'.

There have been so very few times in my life when I have been able to 'get over myself'. I am very self-conscious. VERY.I remember summers at camp when my days were so consumed with doing stuff, and prayer, and people that I kind of forgot all about me. I remember washing up my muddy face and arms after a river adventure with my campers once and catching a glimpse of my face in the mirror. It surprised me all of a sudden how tanned I was, and how my hair fell differently, and how I had a few scratches on my cheek. I tried to remember when I got those scratches, and didn't remember if I had looked in the mirror that morning. Or the day before, even. In fact, I had nearly forgotten what I looked like. That moment briefly snapped me out of some sort of automatic mode I had been on, remembering myself again. But the thing is, I'd give anything to go back to the moment before that, where there wasn't a 'me' at all, just a doing, a serving, a loving. I remember what it was like to be over myself, if only for a few days. And I wonder what it would take to get to that place now...

I think the difference, of course, is community. At camp, there were few alone moments, and many many moments full of people and life and my story was one of of many in the narritive I could see all around me. I imagine that this is what it is like going on a mission trip too, or working collabritively with a lot of pepole all day doing something you love.

So how do I find community where I am? That was one reason we moved into this co-op, and I have definetly felt like this is more of a community than my apartment building. And that is the reason I took my children to playgroups through the summer, and probably a huge reason why were are intending to send our children to public school. I think that it is far too easy for me to fill my day with thoughts of myself and my children and not be as aware of those around me since we spend our hours inside this house, doing just what we please. I know I need to be more intentional about surrounding myself with actual, living people...so I will continue going to early morning women's prayer (even though it's EARLY), cell group, Sunday worship, and finding ways for my children to interact with real live people too. Even though some of the time, some of these people won't like me.

Of course, as a mother, it is natural to believe that when my son says "mom" he means me - Right? But I guess I have to be okay if it isn't. I kind of want to be the center of his universe but it isn't true now and definetly SHOULDN'T be true. And I should never want it to be true. I am not that important, not even to my only son. And really, HIS future happiness requires that I get out of the way as much as possible and help Him see God as the center of his universe. SERIOUSLY Lindy. This was just a little reminder today for me to suck it up and get over myself. :)